Self-Help: A Book Report by Michael the III

Had Samuel Smiles released his 1859 genre-defining book, Self-Help, in the postmodern era, one might suspect it to be nothing more than a copy-selling pseudonym for a crowded, billion-dollar business overpopulated by know-it-all nobodies with Harvard degrees and the occasional smarty-pants celeb who lives with their three assistants. I might have bought into his self-branding, but Smiles belonged to an aptly-named group whose brand was gifted at birth—I’m looking at you, Madonna.

Centuries later, without even a book to guide us, our habits have shifted. When the notice came that we should all head inside, that toilet paper might be the new currency, that we should neither embrace spring nor one another, like many, I didn’t know how to feel. Instead I chose to focus on the solace of my self-help bookshelf.

I’ve entered the darkest portals of my mind and have returned quite improved. I’ve learned how to love my imperfections. I’ve eaten all-carbs yet remained all-muscle. Forged a healthy relationship with my future children. With lots of UVA protection, I’ve begun to look on the bright side of things. And now you can too!

The following is a very real selection of self-help books selected especially for readers like you. After careful analysis, it can only be declared the best the genre has to offer, though I’ve included a few I think you should avoid, all available at the local bookstore farthest from you.

Fans of the heartfelt series might look to what they released just this year: Chicken Soup for the Cooped Up Soul, Chicken Soup for a Disillusioned Voter’s Soul (2020 Edition), Chicken-Tequila Shots for this Brand New Decade’s Soul, Weighted-Blankets for the Restless Soul, Duck-Duck-Goose for that Poor Chicken’s Soul, Atheist Soup for the “But We Don’t Even Have Souls, and By the Way I’m Vegan, Too” Soul, and my personal favourite, Chicken and Rice and Fried Plantains for Lunch’s Soul.

The world is boorish. People are downright disturbing. If you, like many, cannot fall nor even stumble asleep, Thomas Pickfords terribly obvious tips and techniques will have you dreaming of a better world in seconds.

Written for stubborn people who go on believing they’re fine for no other reason than that’s what makes them feel better, Lana Goldberg speaks from the heart when she writes, “Cut the bullshit. Get help.”

Have you ever heard “We don’t need to reinvent the wheel” in a meeting and believed it? Seven weeks later when you touched base, did the lacklustre, low-hanging ideas brought to the table disappoint? The discussion is taken offline. Key learnings are assessed from last time this happened. It is determined that after all, you do have the bandwidth to create the high-level game changer you weren’t told you needed to deliver until now. During a follow-up with your superiors, it becomes clear you now have an afternoon to reinvent the wheel. You circle back.

Ilza Ekström has millions of fans and a Netflix-deal for one reason: her guaranteed technique for achieving the spotless home. It’s a no-brainer. 1) Hold up an object. 2) Look at it and say with all your heart, “thanks bro.” 3) Place in the trash. Repeat until you’ve thrown out each and every one of your belongings. Even the fridge. Even the doorknobs. “Already”, she states, “you will notice how much tidier things are. If you still feel you need or want something, go to the dump, find it, and bring it home. Now you’ve really earned it!”

With an equal ratio of pictures to words, this titillating publication might only underline what you already know about non-verbal communication: hand-on-the-hip is impatience, hand-on-the-hip-with-elbows-out is high fashion, hand-to-the-forehead is fatigue, hand to your neck, back, and a few other places is Khia. What you see staring back at you in the corner of a Zoom meeting is actually what the world sees all the time.

For each of the seven habits of highly successful people, there are ten thousand habits of highly unsuccessful people and I have at least two of them: the unwillingness to read about finance and a low tolerance for temptation. Isn’t it enough to watch Suze Orman and Succession? For financial woes, Professor Freyer outlines the basic way to a healthy bank balance without having to own an evil media conglomerate or even get chunky blonde highlights: do not overspend over and over again; do not forget about savings and they will not forget about you; and earn more money.

Though Mr. Freyer’s tactics are well reasoned and based upon actual mathematics, we might instead save a lot of time (never forget that time is money, Professor Freyer) if he would not tell us about how to get rich but how to be born rich.

For just a few easy payments sent to Dr. Arya Saunders’ address in Switzerland, even you can be re-born into a wealthy family in the next life. “It’s not a sham,” argues the golden sticker pressed confidently to the front cover. Should you have any doubt of the validity of this technique, consider the fact that I myself sent money to Dr. Arya Saunders, and I don’t want to be alone in this.

Have you ever convinced yourself that you weren’t worthy of a big ordeal just because you were by yourself? Have you ever made frozen pizzas, re-heated the sadness out of it the next day, and chopped whatever was left of it to make an uninspired frittata on day three? Well I have, and let me tell you, until reading this, I did not know what I was missing.

Half party-planning-guide, part-cookbook and self-affirming mantra, L. J. Spring’s goal is to bring the feeling of big events to her lonesome readers. “When in doubt, over do it!” is the title of the first chapter. “Self-help yourself to whatever you want! Go big in your home! If you’re not going to do it, who will?”

Mariah Blashko’s text is a refreshing read full of helpful, applicable reminders: Instead of inquiring, "What's new?" to a long-lost friend, you should just say, "My gosh are you alright!?" Awkward silence is always preferable to questions like, "What’s your spirit animal?" or "How’s quarantine been for you?" and lastly, the most helpful tip of all: “If you don’t know what to say, it’s time to go home. Alternatively, tell everyone to leave.”

Tinsley Yates writes with the familiarity of a mom-next-door. Over coffee, her pen tells the tales of the parenting predicaments of her friends and colleagues. Did you know Tommy would not sleep outside of his crib for over three years? Delilah was an amateur graffiti artist and nothing her mother could do would stop her. Niles put raspberries in his diaper and surprised his father. Blair eats soap. If you don’t like children but love gossip, this is the book for you.

The secret to a great selfie-shoot that will have you feeling more confident and adored than ever. “Location, location, location; lighting, lighting, lighting; retouching, retouching, retouching.”

Human ego is just an illusion. Vainglory is a mere thrill. Try drinking out of the bathtub and showering in the rain. Now that’s what I call living.

You may be wondering what a book on such a dangerous subject is doing in a self-help section when it should be listed in “Sports & Hobbies”. Experienced readers may scoff at rookie tips like how to build a space fleet and the specifics of time travel, but B.S. Lewis does not only cater to a coltish audience, instead including tips for even the most experienced space-cowgirl with her eyes on an ever-expanding universal prize.

I’m sorry I did not read this book. I would have, but I don’t start a book without a new bookmark. My contacts fell out. I stubbed my toe. There was a bag-pipe parade happening right outside the window. I was needed on the deck of a Greek sailing yacht. As I opened the front cover, Raven Symone appeared in a vision and I had to take the call. I’m sorry I did not read this book. I’m so embarrassed for not having done so. I would have, but please understand, I am the only one who knows how to save the universe.

Michael the III is a photographer, writer, model, and aspiring motivational speaker. His work has appeared in THEFINEPRINT, Gayletter, Document Journal and SSENSE.